3 PARROTS
A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was Rs. 2500.
"Rs. 2500.", the man said. "Well what does he do?
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk.
"He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,
but is an expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "Rs. 10,000."
Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this bird's specialty was.
The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.
But the other two call him " BOSS"!!
Letter to the God
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
A Chinese family
A Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States.
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards:
Chu became Chuck
Bu became Buck
Hu became Huck.Fu and Su decided to stay in China.
Loving Couples' Love-Sick!
A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can Remove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.
The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me
The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You."
The Man Says Without Hesitation,
"I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife."
Husband Searching Keywords On Google `How To Tackle Wife?`
Google Search Result, `Good Day Sir, Even We Are Searching`.
A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, My Wife Is Unfaithful To Me.
Every Evening, She Goes To Larry's Bar And Picks Up Men. In Fact, She Sleeps With Anybody Who Asks Her!
I'm Going Crazy.
What Do You Think I Should Do?"
"Relax," Says The Doctor,
"Take A Deep Breath And Calm Down.
Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where Is Larry ' s Bar?"
Husband Throwing Darts At His Wife’s Photo And Not Even A Single One Hitting The Target..
From Another Room Wife Called The Husband : “Honey What Are You Doing..
Husband: “MISSING YOU”..
A Man Goes To See The Rabbi.
"Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."
The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"
The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."
The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi Then Offers,
"Tell You What. Let Me Talk To Her, I'll See What I Can Find Out And I'll Let You Know."
A Week Later The Rabbi Calls And Says,
"Well, I Spoke To Your Wife. I Spoke To Her For Three Hours.
You Want My Advice?"
The Man Said Yes
The Rabbi Replied, "Take The poison"
TRUE TO LIFE
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.
After the son had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
(Women!!) She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why? She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.
The man asked his son to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called, son said …………………………….
The number u are Trying To call Is not Reachable At The Moment. Pls Try Again Later".
Doctor and a lawyer at a party
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Bought a used car
A police patrolman was making his evening rounds in the town. He came around driving a used car lot and saw two older ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and inquired with them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting."
Its all about Marriage!
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway!
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me....
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriages versus Arranged Marriages. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better than being murdered.
Man: Is there any way for long life? Doctor: “Get married.” Man: Will it help? Doctor: “No, but then the thought of a long life will never come to mind any more!”
Is he My Son?
Old John married younger woman Mary and had four children. Three were normal and doing usual. But the fourth Pappy was out of way, ugly, naughty and causing anxiety to John that Pappy was really not his son. John was on death bed and he decided to clarify that with Mary.
He asked, "Mary, with your hand on your heart, please tell me Pappy is my son."
Mary with her hand on heart announced, "John, my dear husband, Pappy is your son."
John died happily leaving vast wealth to Mary. Mary crossed her heart and prayed, "Thanks Jesus that he did not ask the same for three other children, and you know I would not have lied."
Riding a bike
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "MY bike."
| A
woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came
home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said
the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three
o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you,
Jim?" And that cured him. "Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The
neighbour said, " You see, his name is Bill ." -------------------------------------------------------------- In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me." The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, " My lord, not a single child resembles him ." -------------------------------------------------------------- From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now ." -------------------------------------------------------------- " Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. " Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, " Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax ." --------------------------------------------------------------- A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor. " You're still getting the same service !" ---------------------------------------------------------------- One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him ?" ---------------------------------------------------------------- A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to." Replied the husband. " But I don't know her well enough ." ---------------------------------------------------------------- A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her." One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, " I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back. ---------------------------------------------------------------- "You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. " What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet. | |
| Sri lankan in London | |
A Sri lankan tourist in London wanders around, seeing the sights and occasionally stopping at some small pub to have a pint of beer.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with stately residences. No pubs, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.
However, he really has to pee, after all those pints of beer. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
He is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby [Policeman], who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the Sri lankan , "but I really have to pee, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Just follow me." says the Bobby. Then he leads the Sri lankan to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there,” points the Bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, big fountains, sculptured hedges and huge beds of flowers.
He relieves himself immediately.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby "That was really nice of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?"
"No sir..." replied the Bobby, "that is what we call the Sri lankan Embassy."
Mothers-in-laws and daughters-in-law
A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-laws to hopefully get to know and understand each other better seeing relations between them were very sour.
Two buses were hired, one for the mothers-in-law and the other for the daughters-in-law.
Unfortunately the bus the mothers-in-law were traveling in was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.
The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss.
Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but why are u crying so hard,I didn't realize u were so close to your mother-in-law?" to which she replied,
"No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!"
iPhone for the B'day
March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?
I celebrated my birthday in July and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.
September came by, so for my wife's birthday I bought her an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started.
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This unfortunately activated the iNag app. Which led me to the iHospital and iGet out Thursday.
The most coward father
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the most coward.
The first one says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."
The second kid goes," That's nuttin, my dad is so scared that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door.
US in RECESSION
The recession has hit everybody really hard...
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
History will re-name this President "Owe" Bama.
How young girls should behave
Recently our neighbour Mrs. Kotandeniya sent her daughter Nishi to buy some groceries at the local boutique. As she was passing the private tuition class, she met some boys studying for their ALs, who asked her to climb up a short mango tree and get them some fruit, which she did.
Later that day, Nishi bought the groceries and got back home to her mother.
Mrs Kotandeniya: "Why did you take so long, duwa?"
Nishi: "I met some aiyas near the tuition class who asked me to climb up a tree and fetch them some fruit."
The annoyed Mrs. Kotandeniya: "Nishi, you should know by now, that when boys ask you to climb up a tree, all they want is to see your underwear. You shouldn’t have done it, you stupid girl!"
Nishi: "Amma, I know that. That's why I took care not to wear anything underneath before climbing up that tree."
Mrs Kotandeniya was very busy the next few days finding a Magul Kapuwa to get Nishi married off soon….
Assortment of jokes
What did the gangster's son tells his dad when he failed his examination?
"Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I told them nothing!!!
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What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.
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When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
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A little boy went up to his father and asked : " Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ? "
His father replied : "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine. "
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John's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying : "John seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls. "
The mother wrote back the next day : " If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father ! "
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Sixty is the worst age
Three old people were chatting,1st one 60years,2nd one 70 years and the third one,80 years old.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you also have trouble peeing ?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"" Yes but I don't wake up until 7:00!"
Party Crashers
The host at a party was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.
She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....
He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the bride’s side of the family stand up please?" About twenty people stood.
Then he asked "Will those who are from the groom’s side of the family stand up as well?" About twenty-five people stood up.
Then he smiled and said, "Will all those who stood please leave…this is a birthday party!"
40 years of marriage
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.
Poor Husbands !!
Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC.
No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor
He is designed to remain Silent indoor.
"Husband is one who is the head of the family,
but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."
A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.
Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE ?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Every time
Or Worries Invited For Ever !
Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one every day.
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?Husband: A lovely Push...!
GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE
Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but, please Leave your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp.
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater start talking we are listening!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr & Mrs Ukuwatta
Mr. Ukuwatta and his pretty young wife were not on good terms.
In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid Dumbara Menika, so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent Dumbara Menika, home for the weekend, and didn't Inform the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old
story: "Excuse me dear my stomach," and disappeared towards the bathroom.
Mrs Ukuwatta, promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs, into the maid's bed.
She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came silently.
He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his willy, and got on top of her. When he finished and still panting, Mrs Ukuwatta said "You didn't expect to find me in this bed did you!!" and switched on the light.
"No madam", said Muniandy the gardener.
Have Fun
1. Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family,
Forgot his food, forgot laughter were called "Saints"
But now they are called... "IT professionals"
2. An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt:
“If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"
3. Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..
Love is always present...
It’s just that, one loves too much,
And the other loves too many,
4. Employee: Boss, now i have got married..! Please increase my salary..!
BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occuring outside the company..!
5. Philosophy of life
at the beginning of married life, every girl treats her husband as GOD;
Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!
6. What is a Fear?
Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomach when pages of your book
Still smell new and just few hours left for your exams..!
7. someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask more questions that a wise man
Cannot answer" No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!
8. Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?
Shopkeeper: Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!"
Girl: That’s good, Give me 12 of them..!
9. After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an
Opening for you..! Applicant: What is it? Interviewer: It’s called the "door..!"
10 .A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..
Drive Slowly, Dont kill our Employee........ Leave them to us
Cannibal Story
Cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Sun Grilled Tourist: £5.00
Broiled Missionary: £7.00
Fried Explorer with garlic: £9.00
Freshly Baked: Politicians: £150.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
'Why such a huge price difference for the Politicians?'
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning!'
Conversation with God!
Man: God?
God: Yes?
Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Of course!
Man: What is for you a million of years?
God: A second.
Man: And a million dollars?
God: A penny.
Man: God, Can you give me a penny?
God: Wait a second.
Celebrating the 50th anniversary
A man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary.
They were talking before their dinner about how they should celebrate their big evening.
The woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband.
Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked.
The woman agreed. Later that night at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."
The man replies, "That`s because they are sitting in your soup."
Retirement Village
One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.
On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her
Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?
"Yes," she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes - they're having a garage sale".
A Lankan wife's revenge
A Lankan woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her while stationed in Saudi Arabia.
So she sends him a very special care package.
He is very excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows.
He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching TV.
In the middle of one of the shows, the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex.
After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.
She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."
That Piece of MEAT
"During this Sunday Service in church, a priest gave the following sermon:
Dear Brothers and Sisters !!!!!
Today I want to talk about a Piece of MEAT.
YES.....THAT Piece of MEAT !!!!!! Sometimes strong and hard, sometimes loose.
That Piece of MEAT that separates brothers and sisters!!!!! Men and Women. !!!!!!!
That Piece of MEAT that causes Husbands and Wives to divorce!!!
That Piece of MEAT that causes hatred and jealousy between brothers.!!!!
That Piece of MEAT that causes women to fight with women,
It is that Piece of MEAT that is sometimes outside and sometimes more inside than outside.
It is that Piece of MEAT that can give so much pain, but it also brings a lot of UNBELIEVABLE PLEASURE !
Beloved Brothers and Sisters, that's the Piece of MEAT, I want to talk to you about :
-WHICH IS DEAR BROTHERS AND SISTERS .....THE TONGUE !!!!!!!!!
The 3 nurses
Nurses working in a hospital were preparing to send a body to the morgue, they discover the Dead Man with a hard on.
The 1st Nurse says 'I cant let that go to waste'... & rides him.
The 2nd Nurse does the same.
The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period... but does him anyway.
Then suddenly the dead man sits up & the Nurses apologize saying they thought he was dead.!!
The Man replies "I was, but after two jump starts & a blood transfusion I feel great..!!"
Three Africans
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.They're just three Irish coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
Reasons for Divorce
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice home in the middle of the property and a hectare of paddy land."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, metal, brick and plaster," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied,
"We have large portico and have never really needed one."
"Please. . ." he tried again,
"is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.
We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."
"I say, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does...He says he can't communicate with me !!!"
Gay Cowboy
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Maid with beautiful blonde hair
Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
When I was 10
Rubber meant eraser,
Ass meant donkey,
Gay meant happy,
Straight meant linear,
Making out meant 'logical detection',
Cock meant rooster,
Pussy meant cat,
Stag meant a male deer,
Prick meant a jab,
Poke meant a nudge,
Chick meant a baby hen,
Screw meant a carpenter's implement and
A Tit was always for Tat!!Damn! - English has changed so much !!!!!
Bill's birth day
A man named Bill woke up on his birthday. His wife and kids didn't even say good morning to him.
So, he left for work in a huff. His receptionist, Joanna, said happy birthday.
"Thanks, Joanna. That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day." Bill relied, pleased.
So he worked until his lunch break, when Joanna asked if he fancied a lunch. Instead of taking their usual lunch just outside, they went to a big beautiful bistro.
"My apartment is just around the corner. Would you like to visit?" Joanna asked. "Sure, why not?" Bill replied.
At her apartment, Bill sat down on the couch. Joanna said she'd be right back and stepped into the bedroom.
Minutes later, she came back out followed by Bills family, friends, and co-workers. Bill just sat there... naked.
Hope you do not have any x$%##@ friends
A x$%##@ migrant in Sydney, Australia goes to a Lankan Doctor and says, "I feel terrible."
The Doctor says, "You need to piss and shit in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage.
Then put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for 3 days."
The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says, "I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?"
"You were homesick.. "
Barrel
This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."
Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!
After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"
To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."
Eyewitness
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.
Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him and killed him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, but my wife did.'
Merry-go-round of Marriage
For Sale: A Wedding Dress, Size 8. Once worn by Mistake.
Every Wife Is A ' Mistress" For Her Husband.
"Miss" For One Hour & "Stress" For the Rest 23 Hours..!.
There Are Two Times When A Man Doesn't Understand: A Woman - Before Marriage And After Marriage.
My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, And I Didn't.
Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet
Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In
& Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.
Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?
Because When They Arrive, They're Wet And Wild,
But when They Go, They Take Your House And Car..
Text Messaging
Husband Sends The Following Message To His Wife:
My Love,
If You're Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams.
If You're Smiling, Send Me Your Smile.
If You're Crying, Send Me Your Tears.
I Love You.
Wife Texed Back :
I'm In The Toilet,
What Should I Send You?
Whisky Is A Brilliant Invention. One Double And You Start Feeling Single Again
The bell system
He went on to say that one bell meant take your clothes off... two bells meant get into bed... and three bells meant start fooling around.
The fire chief came home from work one day and decided to try out his system.... he hollered "One Bell" and she took off her clothes.
He hollered "Two Bells" and she got into bed.
He hollered "Three Bells" and they started fooling around like crazy.
A few minutes later *she* yells "Four Bells"
"Four Bells?" the fire chief asks "what is four bells?" "Let out more hose, Your not anywhere near the fire!"
Chicago
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself.
Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"
Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
'God loves drunk people too'
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing " replied the drunk.
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
He says, "Oh, honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
He says, "What's that for this time?"
She answered, "Your horse just called."
This nun’s standing at a bus stop when a double-decker pulls up. As she gets on, the nun notices she’s the only passenger on the bus, so she turns to the driver and asks, ‘Could you do me a very special favour, Mr Driver?’
‘If I can,’ he replies. ‘Well, the thing is, I have a serious heart problem and I want to have sex for the first time before I die.’
‘Okay,’ answers the driver.
‘There are two conditions, though,’ continues the nun. ‘Firstly, we can’t do it if you’re married, because I don’t want to commit adultery. Secondly, it has to be anal sex, because I have to die a virgin.’
The bus driver gives a nod, so they clamber upstairs and get down to it. When it’s all over, though, the driver’s racked with guilt. ‘I’m so sorry, Sister, but I have a terrible confession – I’m married with three kids.’
‘Don’t afread, Mr Driver,’ replies the nun, sympathetically. ‘I have a confession, too. I’m on my way to a fancy-dress party and my name’s Kevin.Not a nun’
I am sure that the taxi cab driver learnt that it pays to keep
your mouth shut is some situations
A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Montreal.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the
awnings.
"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she
replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the
affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.
The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class :
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?'
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk."
Judge to child: Do you want to live with your Mother ?
Child: No
Judge: Why ?
Child: She beats me.
Judge: Okay, so you want to live with Dad ?
Child: No.
Judge: Why not ?
Child: He beats me too.
Judge: So, who do you want to live with ?
Child: Sri Lankan Cricket Team.
Judge: WHY ? ?
Child: They never beat anyone!
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: “So, how are things in Hell?”
Satan replies: “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
“What!” God exclaims: “You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have been sent to Hell… send him to me.”
“Not a chance,” Satan replies: “I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”
God insists: “Send him back or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer in the Heven?
1) Newly wed girl told mom her husband is still a virgin.
Mom asked "How do you know dear?"
Girl replied "Last night, when we made love, his cock was still in plastic cover."
(2) Immigrant Worker: "Sir, me no come to work, me sick.."
Boss: " When I am sick, I have sex with my wife - try it."
Two hours later
Immigrant Worker: "Boss! It worked! Me ok now. You got nice house."
(3) After sex, a newly wed wife kept fondling her husband ' s cock.
Husband asked: "Why? Want to have sex again?"
Wife replied: "No dear, I just admiring your cock.. I used to have one before."
(4) Women ' s lives are hard. Morning, wash clothes. Noon, hang clothes.
Evening, keep clothes. Nite, iron clothes.
Midnight, take off clothes. After midnight, find clothes.
(5) Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:
"Anyone got a cock?" All men rose.
"I meant anyone seen a cock?" All women rose.
"I mean anyone seen my cock?" All nuns rose.
(6) A woman ' s husband died and she had him cremated.
She then blew his ashes into the ocean and said, "Sweetheart, this is my last blow job for you."
(7) Girl: "Mom what is a penis?"
Mom: "When you become a good girl, you will get one.."
Girl: "But mom, what if I am not a good girl?"
Mom: "Then you will get many, dear!"
(8) A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary:
"If I give you USD3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"
Secretary: "Everything sir! Dress, Bra, Panties, Everything."
(9) Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the sex Education class."
Teacher: "Why?"
Schoolgirl: "Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral."
(10) Two sperms talking on mobile phone.
Ist: "I ' m somewhere between the fallopian tube and uterus. Are you close-by?"
2nd: "No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just crossing the tonsils."
(11) Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the world is a penis. This is because it can be lifted up even by just a simple thought.
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his
truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't
live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old Lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm
is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket,
and a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with
the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens".
An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old
farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
'And what about the men?' the minister asked. 'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff
no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand '
Mom was cautioning daughter, "When your boyfriend wants to kiss you, then say "DON'T" and when he hugs you, tell him "STOP"
The daughter came back home happy.
Mother asked, "So you sure did what I told you to?"
The daughter said, "Yes Mom, I was so excited that I used both words together "Don't Stop"
Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi .
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."
Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
Customer: Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter: Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer: No, I can't.
Waiter: Then does it really matter ?
Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,shouting,
"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."
Assortment of jokes - 2
Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
1st thief : Oh! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions .
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
A guy went up to his father saying:
"Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.. Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, and indeed, a couple of months later ...
Son: Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Angela, The other neighbour's daughter.
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister.
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father"
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back.
"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's Bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
One More Time...
A group of 40 year old buddies discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there had low cut blouses and were very young.
Ten years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was better than most places and the wine selection was extensive.
Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.
Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before!
Lady On Phone:
"Hi Sir, I want To Meet & Talk To You.
You Are The Father Of One Of My Kids."
Man Is Stunned and says:
"Oh my God!"
R U Jessica?
No.
Pamela?
No.
Anna?
No
Christina?
No.
Joella?
No.
Elissa?
No.
Lady in confusion:
"Sir, I am The Class Teacher Of Your Son."
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
A teacher in a high school, famous for his high regard for social values, was teaching the students on the harms of alcohol.
To demonstrate its adverse effect on the human nervous system, he took a worm and dropped it into a bowl of gin & tonic.
The worm wriggled around for a few minutes before finally giving a few convulsive twitches and dying.
“So what can you conclude from it?”, asked the teacher, expecting that the answer is too obvious.
“Yes,” came a voice from the back, “if you have got worms in your stomach, alcohol is a real medicine for that.”
A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?"
so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?".
Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?"
So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope." So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out.
He goes down there and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" he goes "No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny!"
A chinese man married an African woman and had a child. Two months later the child passed away.
At the funeral house a family member of the African woman kept sobbing and crying,and kept saying I JUST KNEW IT!!
So a family elder pulled her aside and discreetly asked her
'what she knew?'
She replied 'Chinese products don't last long!!!!
A drunk, naked woman boards a cab in London.
Driver of the cab, - an Indian.... keeps staring at her and does not start the cab.
Woman: Havent you seen a naked woman before??
Indian Driver: Cool down Lady. I am not staring at you. I am just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me?
Moral: Probably, this is what most of the American banks failed to do. Assessing the repayment capacity before enjoying exposure!!
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon........by the way,you got really a nice house'!!!
A fellow talking to his friend says, "How can I know that my girl is a virgin ?"
Friend tells him, "You have to wait till your wedding night, you show it to her and ask what is it. If she calls it a penis, she's a virgin. If she says it's a cock, she's been around."
So the guy gets married, and in the hotel room he flips it out to her and says "What is this?"
"That's a penis!" she replies.
"Great," he sighs, "I thought you were going to call it a cock."
"Of course not! A cock is twice as big!!"
The difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:
The older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much:
those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
They say that alcohol kills slowly.
So what? Who's in a hurry ?
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive
One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk about other people.
There was a man who said,
"I never knew what happiness was until I got married...
and then it was too late
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Two guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking ganja.
The judge says, "You seem like nice persons and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up ganja forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: Oo.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before smoking ganja and the small circle is your brain afterwards."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.
"And how did you do?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up smoking ganja forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: oO. Then I pointed to the little circle and said,
'This is your rectum before going to prison.
GEORGE: Your secretary is very sexy...
BILL: Thanks! It's a robot actually, named Monica. If you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left breast, she types letters. I'll lend it to you for a day & you can try her functions.
Next day, George called Bill from the hospital & shouted:
You bastard! You didn't tell me that the HOLE between
Monica's legs is a pencil sharpener...!
In the Parliment, Mervin Silva during his speech narrated a story.....
"There was a Father who gave 100 rupees each to his 3 sons and asked them to buy things and fill up a room completely.
The First son bought Hay for Rs. 100 but couldn't fill the room entirely.
Second son went & bought Cotton for Rs. 100 but couldn't fill the room entirely.
Third son bought a Candle for Rs. 1 and lit it up... and instantly the room was filled with light completely."
The Mervin added "Our President is like the third son.
From the day he has taken charge our Country is filled with the bright light of prosperity"
A quiet voice from the opposition came " Then where is the remaining balance of Rs. 99?"
Mervin : Ado... Ask form your mother, gal musalaya.....
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember which I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom manufacturer.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men
-'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but arguably next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
90 year man:
My 18 year wife is
pregnant, your opinion doctor?
Dr: Let me tell you a story..
A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrella
instead of gun.
He moves in to the jungle,
sees a lion,
lifts the umbrella,
pulls the handle &
BANG.. the lion drops dead.!
Old man: That's impossible, someone
else must have shot the lion.
Dr: EXACTLY ..!
The Boy from New Zealand
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of cabbage."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
" New Zealand , sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there.
"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"
A man who's wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.
So he thought he'd ring up later to see if it had come yet.
He rang up and the nurse said "it's a girl but theres another one on the way"
he rang again later and the nurse said "it's another girl but there's another coming"
he rang once more and the nurse said " it's a boy but there's another coming"
He couldn't stand it any more so he went to the pub and got drunk.
An hour later he was really nervous. He was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, and accidently dialled the sports line. he asked " how many did we get mate" the person said "198 all out.... and the last one was a duck"
Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone, she would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for the other.
Trixie quickly lost all her money and went to sit on the bench. She waited and waited. After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Patty coming toward her, carrying this huge sack of coins.
"Hey, Trixie," said Patty, "how'd you do?"
"Not very good," came the reply. "I've been waiting here for hours."
Patty said, "You should have been with me... Did I ever find a Good machine! It's way in the back. Come! I'll show it to you... You can't lose! Ever time you put a dollar in, you win four quarters!"
Jennifer, a manager at a local Woolworths store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.
Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.*
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's property,
you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out
across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.
'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man.
'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Wally, final interviwee, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers,
it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'
'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom,
but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s*** myself..'
Wally is now working at a Woolworths near you!
Frank always looked on the bright side.
He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply,
"It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit,
his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad,
so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?
so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?
He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man,
shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"
shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"
She's single... She lives right across the street.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my path.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looked at me & said, "Colin,
I rushed to open it.
She looked at me & said, "Colin,
I just got home, & I am so happy!
I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk,
& make love all night long! Are you busy to-night?
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free...
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free...
I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY
GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to
her class one morning and she asked the question,
'When you die and go to Heaven,
which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray,
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray,
you hold your hands together in front of you and
God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister,
'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister,
I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. '
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. '
Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night.
Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night.
Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."
The nun had to leave the room.
'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."
The nun had to leave the room.
& says to the Customer Service Officer:
"I would like to put my name forward for the
"I would like to put my name forward for the
forthcoming elections to be a councillor."
"I need some practice for becoming a member of parliament"
The receptionist replied "certainly sir Please fill in this form."
So he was filling in the form OK until he came to the question
"I need some practice for becoming a member of parliament"
The receptionist replied "certainly sir Please fill in this form."
So he was filling in the form OK until he came to the question
-Are you circumcised?
So he asked the receptionist - "Is that question necessary?"
She replied "If you are circumcised you are not eligible" -
He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?
She replied "To become a member of Srilankan parliament
So he asked the receptionist - "Is that question necessary?"
She replied "If you are circumcised you are not eligible" -
He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?
She replied "To become a member of Srilankan parliament
you have to be a complete prick."
Old but gold LIE
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
Father asks his son what he did that day. Son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies.
"Dad asks, "what movie did you watch? "Son says,
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
Father asks his son what he did that day. Son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies.
"Dad asks, "what movie did you watch? "Son says,
"Toy Story."The robot slaps the son.
Son says, " Ok, Ok we were watching pornos.
"Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what pornos were!
Son says, " Ok, Ok we were watching pornos.
"Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what pornos were!
"The robot slaps the dad.
Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son! "
The robot slaps the mom.
Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son! "
The robot slaps the mom.
A pirate
A pirate goes into a bar and the bartender says:
"Long time since I've seen you, man, you look terrible."
The pirate says: "I feel fine."
The bartender says:
The bartender says:
"Well, you didn't have that wooden leg last time I saw you.
" "Well, I got into a battle and a cannon ball hit me in the leg, but I'm ok."
"Well, you didn't have that hook on your arm either." The pirate says:
"Well, you didn't have that hook on your arm either." The pirate says:
"Got in a sword fight and lost my hand."
The bartender says: "What about the eye patch?" The pirate replies:
The bartender says: "What about the eye patch?" The pirate replies:
"Well, a bunch of sea gulls flew over the boat and
when I looked up one of them shit on my eye."
The bartender says: "How did that make you lose your eye?"
The pirate replies: "It was the first day with the hook."
reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden,
a fairy godmother appears in front of her and
informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady,
"I guess I would like to be really, really rich.
" ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young,
beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
***POOF*** there before her stands a young man
more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak.
He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"
A lady applied for the position of a house maid.
Sir, the wages were good, the living conditions
were quite comfortable but it was the most ridiculous place I've ever worked.
They played this game they called Bridge. Last night a lot of folks were there.
As I was about to bring the refreshments, I heard a man tell a lady:
As I was about to bring the refreshments, I heard a man tell a lady:
"Lay down and let's see what you've got."
Another man said: "I have strength, but not much length."
Yet another man told a lady: "Take your hand off my trick!"
Another man said: "I have strength, but not much length."
Yet another man told a lady: "Take your hand off my trick!"
I dropped dead when a lady said:
"You forced me.
You jumped me twice but you didn't have the strength for even one good raise."
Another lady was talking about protecting her honour.
One lady told another:
Another lady was talking about protecting her honour.
One lady told another:
"Now it's my turn to play with your husband; you play with mine."
I packed my bags, took my hat and coat and was leaving,
when I heard a young man say: "I guess we can go home now. This is the last rubber."
It was a practical session in the psychology class.
The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.
The rat was in the middle of the cage. Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on side and kept a female rat on the other side.
The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it. Then,
the professor changed the cake and kept some bread.
The male rat ran towards the bread.
This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.
And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat. Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.
Then, one of the students from the back rows said:- "Sir, why don't you change the female rat? She may be his wife!
Then, one of the students from the back rows said:- "Sir, why don't you change the female rat? She may be his wife!
(1)A man was granted two wishes by God,
He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever......
Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.
He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever......
Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.
(2)There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened!
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened!
(3)Wives are magicians.
They can change anything into an argument.
They can change anything into an argument.
(4)Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, as compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"
(5)"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that," he said.
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married"
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that," he said.
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married"
(6)COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE
Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children.
I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?
Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children.
I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?
(7)I WILL THINK ABOUT IT:
When a married man says, I'll think about it - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
When a married man says, I'll think about it - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
(8)TALKING IN SLEEP:
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!
WHAT AD ?
Snow white and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when
they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow-white decides
to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is
Preparing to take the bath. Dwarfs protest vehemently and then
Snow white relents and says that when i get into the water and u
hear the splash, u can turn around.
Snow white undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very
moment she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can.
The moment the dwarfs hear the SPLASH, the Dwarfs turn around and see Snow white standing NAKED.
Now if this incident is a sequel to an ad, what product is being advertised?
Page down for answer NOW.
SEVEN UP
"It's dark in here, isn't it?"
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over,
she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears
a car in the drive way and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You want to buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man
replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist
continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the
position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to
protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she
hears a car in the drive way and, again, places her lover in the closet
with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts
off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his
disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is
completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your
ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the
church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,"
the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the
curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here now," the priest says.
THINK ABOUT …….
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
Squirrel who runs up women’s leg not find nut.
Seven days on Honeymoon make one hole weak.
Man who have hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Woman who go to man's apartment for snack gets Tit bit.
Man and Mouse alike, both end up in Pussy.
Virginity like balloon, one prick and it is all gone.
200 Bucks
Elton goes to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers the door.
"Hi, is Gilbert home?"
"No he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No come in."
They sit down and Elton says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts
I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one".
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - it’s a
Hundred bucks, after all! She opens her robe and shows him one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there
a while longer and Elton says "They're so beautiful I got to see the both of
them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them
Together."
Again, Nora thinks about this, then decides what the hell and opens her robe
to give Elton a nice long look. Elton thanks her and throws another 100
Bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer for Gilbert and leaves.
Awhile later Gilbert arrives home and his wife says, "You know you’re weird
friend Elton came over." Gilbert says, "Great! Did he drop off the 200
Bucks he owes me?"
HEMAS PRODUCTS
Marketing guy - Which soap do you use?Girl - Hama’s
Marketing guy - Which hand wash do you use?
Girl - Hama’s
Marketing guy - Which deodorant do you use?
Girl - Hama’s
Marketing guy - Which toothpaste do you use?
Girl - Hama’s
Marketing guy -Which shampoo do you use?
Girl - Hama’s
Marketing guy - Which washing powder do you use?
Girl - Hama’s
Marketing guy - Okay, Okay , tell me, What is this Hama’s ? You think it's an international company???
Girl - No, she is my room mate.
GREAT FATHER
Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gate's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"
Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gate's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
MATCHING
once nathashas mother was invited to a party and she wanted to wear the prettiest dress in town. And the prettiest dress was yellow nathashas mom came home and showed her the dress and the jewelry and hair clips .nathasha noticed that everything was yellow and she told her mom "mom everything is yellow and the party is after a week right?" "ya" said her mom
"well then don’t brush your teeth for a week"
"why" asked her mom
"look! Everything is yellow and they match and if u don’t brush ur teeth will turn yellow and it will match "she replied. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
MICROWAVE TV
Once Satharji was walking on the street & when he came to an electronic shop he went in & asked the keeper "How much is that T.V?" pointing at something.
"We don't sell things for Satharjis" replied the keeper Then after some times he came with changing his clothes & appearance & asked again "How much is that T.V?" pointing at the same thing
"We don't sell things to Satharjis" replied the keeper.
Then again he came with changing his appearance & clothing's & asked again "How much is that T.V?"
"Sorry, I said you that we don't sell things to Satharjis"
Satharji got angry removed his wig & clothes & asked "How the hell do you know that I'm a Satharji?"
"Because Satharjis are stupid" replied the keeper
"Why?" asked the Satharji
"You were pointing at a microwave & asking me how much is that T.V"
PIZZA
Satharji is a man who works in a construction company.
Once when they were constructing a building, at lunch time when they all sat together to have their lunch in the fifth floor.
one man said that he likes bread & if his wife haven’t given bread he would jump & suicide, when he opened the lunch box it was not bread he jumped from the building.
then another said that he likes parata & if it is not there he would die, it was not there & he jumped. Another said he likes rice & if it is not there he would die, & it wasn’t there he jumped.
then Satharji said that he likes pizzas & if it is not there he would die, when he opened the lunch box some sandwiches were there then he jumped from the building.
that evening everybody’s wives came & were crying but Satharjis wife didn’t cry. Then everybody asked her " Why aren’t you crying?"
"Why should I cry for this stupid man? today I didn’t make lunch for him.....he made it by himself ..........& he forgot what he likes & what he made"
EARTH SHAPE ?
Teacher: What shape is the earth?
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: Well, what kind of earrings does your girlfriend wear?
Student: Square ones.
Teacher: No, I mean the ones she wears on Sunday.
Student: Round. Teacher: Then, what shape is the earth?
Student: Square on weekdays and round on Sundays.
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: Well, what kind of earrings does your girlfriend wear?
Student: Square ones.
Teacher: No, I mean the ones she wears on Sunday.
Student: Round. Teacher: Then, what shape is the earth?
Student: Square on weekdays and round on Sundays.
